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  • Writer's pictureL.M. Pierce

PMS Scones

In celebration of bleeding out of my holy orifice -- you're welcome -- I am going to share my recipe for PMS Scones with you. I've decided to call them that, even though they really could be called anything since I've jacked various parts of this recipe from various places, changed it around, and made it my own. Sorry not sorry.

Ahem. These scones are semi-good-for-you and can be made better for you by making substitutions depriving them of flavor and desirability. Your call. This recipe is easy AF and you can gussy it up, down, sideways, doggy style, just about any way you like it.


Set that goddamn oven to 350 degrees before you forget. Shut up, you know you will.

  • 2 cups of almond flour or meal (people have all sorts of opinions on what kind/texture/virginal-field-the-almonds-were-harvested-from, but fuck that, use what you have)

  • 1/2 cup of tapioca flour (or just use another scoop of almond flour if you don't have this - I just like the way baked goods feel with some tapioca flour)

* you want a combination of a total of 2.5 cups of flour, I've used varying quantities of both but I don't recommend more than 1/2 cup tapioca *

  • Salt to taste. Or don't. I'm not your mom.

  • 1/2 tsp of baking powder

  • 2 eggs - factory slaves or pasture free, your choice

  • 4 TB of your preferred sweetener. I've used honey and maple syrup. You can use less if you like it less sweet. Up to you. If you're using something freakishly sweet, such as stevia (*gag*) then don't be stupid, mod that to the appropriate amount - and no, you'll have to google that modification, yo.

  • 1/3 cup melted butter. Or coconut oil. Or killing-the-rainforest-you-goddamn-yippie-palm-oil. Your choice. Haven't tried it with anything other than butter so be warned.

  • 1/2 cup of whatever you want - blackberries, chocolate chips, walnuts, cranberries, whatever. Or more. If you're a slathering hungry maniac.

* I highly recommend adding cinnamon or other spices because that's fucking yummy and why the hell wouldn't you? I've also used a light addition of Chinese 5 Spice to delicious effect. You'll have to figure out your own measurements because people are weird and 1TB is like death to one person and 7TB is just right for someone else. FIGURE IT OUT *

That's basically it. This recipe is hard to screw up. Not saying you won't, but it'll be hard to.

STEP ONE: Mix all the dry stuff together until well blended. No chunks.

STEP TWO: Whisk your eggs, make a puddle in the middle of your bowl of dry goods.

STEP THREE: Melt your butter. Add your sweetener to the butter. Mix well. Add this to the egg mixture (for the love of god, don't make your butter molten lava or it'll cook your eggs)


STEP FOUR: Mix until thoroughly blended.

STEP FIVE: Fold in your extra PMS ingredients until well distributed throughout.

STEP SIX: Eat a spoonful. Shut up, the raw egg is fine. TASTE IT.

STEP SEVEN: Get a cookie sheet, cover it with a silpat or silicon or parchment paper or grease/flour it or pam spray it, whatever.

STEP EIGHT: Divide the batter into six lumps. It will be thick or should be unless you fucked it up. You can be fancy and divvy it into scone shapes, but I give zero shits about that sooooo, yeah. You do you.

STEP NINE: Bake for anywhere from 17-25 minutes depending on your oven. I like to leave mine for almost 25 because it dries it out a little more and makes it more scone-like. Again, you do you. When in doubt, crack one open until you know your preferred temp + time combo.


Hey, look, you have scones! These are my blackberry + cranberry ones. Fucking yum. Top it with butter and you have extra yum. Or homemade blackberry jam. SUPER yum.

I am also planning to try this with cheese instead of sweet and guess what? I bet that's going to be fucking YUMMY too. If you screwed this up, I'm sorry. Try again. It's worth it, I promise.

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